Not getting enough sex?

I love Hannah more than anything in the world, apart from my kids obviously… But there was a time when I honestly wasn’t sure that we would go the distance together. It’s the same feeling that a lot of dads get after the birth of their child and something which is rarely publicised apart from in dad circles.

I’m probably going against the ‘guy code’ by writing this but I don’t care, it’s something I feel I need to get off my chest.

It hit me the worst with our first born as no one had ever warned me this could or would happen, so it shocked me a lot. The first thing to happen was feeling like I was just in the way, and for a little while feeling like Hannah and me had lost the connection that makes us so strong as a couple.

I think it’s a mixture of emotions that causes this, lack of sleep, that real bad tired feeling and on the woman’s part, hormones. Not acting all hormonal, before you start judging me, but all of a sudden, overnight, the woman has gone from carrying around a baby for 9 months and then suddenly it’s not there any more and this is bound to take it’s toll on her body.

And putting your feelings before anything else just doesn’t stack up…

Then the big thing happens, your girlfriend/wife doesn’t feel like sex straight away. This is the hardest part. As a man nothing has changed apart from all of a sudden you now have a baby, but for the woman her body has just gone through all kinds of hell and huge changes.

Whether you are unfortunate enough to have suffered tearing, or excessive bleeding, or shoddy stitch up work, whatever your birth story, for most women it’s incredibly difficult and fortunately for us blokes, something we never have to actually go through ourselves.

So it’s no great surprise, that most women aren’t jumping at the chance to get straight back into the sack with you!

If you were one of the lucky ones whose partner got that special increased horny feeling throughout pregnancy, then congratulations…. 1 out of 3 for me wasn’t bad!

This also makes it worse straight after the birth as the man is treated to sex on tap if their partner had that feeling, then suddenly they aren’t interested… So what am I supposed to do now?!

This time is hard, but know that it won’t last forever. Being there for your partner, supporting her, showing her you care, this will all help to build that physical relationship back to where it was.

Chances are the sex will be different after child birth, things might feel different to how they did, your partner might react differently. From a man’s perspective, the key is practice makes perfect to get back to how you were, but I am sure you women wouldn’t agree 😉

I have known a few people who have left their partners a few weeks or months after giving birth.

During our first pregnancy, I thought this was happening to us, but luckily it didn’t. It is extremely hard in the early days and the lack of affection was probably one of the hardest parts of the whole child birth process.

But it’s in this moment that I put myself in Hannah’s shoes. What if I had been the one to carry a baby for 9 months, have all my organs packed like a tin of sardines and then expelled a baby out of my uterus? Would I be itching to have someone prodding something back inside me? Probably not!

I was very open with Hannah, we talked about it, I explained what I was feeling, and we kept talking about it. I kept telling her how I was feeling. Not in a ‘will you please just put out already‘ way, but because I wanted us to be on the same page. She explained that things wouldn’t always be like this and that she needed time.

That is completely fair, who I am to rush her into anything when I have no idea what toll it takes on your body!

Straight after child birth is hard, for both of you and for different reasons, but the age old ‘talking helps’ does honestly work. Make sure you are on the same page otherwise things might have a shitty outcome.

And the main thing is for guys, please don’t rush it, it’s better to have sex that you both enjoy rather than having sex where your partner is uncomfortable and sometimes in pain, but she wants to make you happy, so she does it anyway.

It does get better, but at the time it definitely doesn’t feel like it ever will.

Then comes the worst part once things do get back to normal…You finally get back that physical relationship you once had, but your kids have other ideas for actually letting you enjoy it!

Pam and her five sisters will never have such a lot of work to do as they do during the whole child birth stage and after!

3 replies on “Not getting enough sex?

  • markus

    Very intriguing post. I do however disagree with you on some parts. You speak of Lack of affection during pregnancy and after childbirth, that entirely depends on how you define affection? While my wife was pregnant there was plenty of affection, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, holding her hair back while she was puking ( she didn’t really have that much morning sickness ). Of course the frequency of sex goes down during and after pregnancy. But surely that should be something you ought to be very clear about before you decide that you want children. Before children we would have sex whenever we felt like it. Which is normal for a couple that is very much in love and enjoys having sex. These days it is more like once or twice a week. Having 5 year old twin boys and my wife has a full time stressful job and I take care of the kids, the cats, the house and everything else. Of course somethings got to give. That doesn’t mean we love each other any less or actually say every other day I would like more sex. It is just how it is. When we do have sex it is still as wonderful as ever but it is not the be all and end all of our relationship!

    Reply
    • Alex

      I didn’t mention lack of affection during pregnancy, it was directly after child birth I was referring to. When I mention lack of affection after child birth this was everything you mentioned, kissing, cuddling, falling asleep at night whilst spooning, holding hands, the usual affection you tend to get in relationships. Since the early days of our relationship, we were both on the same page when it came to kids, we knew we wanted kids together, however we or certainly I hadn’t prepared on what happened to your sex life after the birth. Its something that is joked about amongst your friends who have kids, but until you have kids yourself, it is something you will never truly understand. Of course, I completely agree, a lot of couples enjoy a healthy sex life pre children and after the birth of your children. Fair play to you for once or twice a week, thats envious! I think you may have taken mixed messages from my post, as I never claimed to love my wife any less because of what our sex life became after we had children. As I mention in my post, not getting enough of it doesn’t last forever and sex definitely doesn’t define our relationship. We both love each other very much with our without sex, but obviously sex with someone you love is amazing. One thing we have always done since the first time we said it to each other, is we tell each other every single day ‘I love you’. Not out of habit or because we have always done it, its because we mean it and we like each other to know it. My other post on Vanilla Sex to Raspberry Ripple sex is one that explains a little more about what I think on this.

      I appreciate you taking the time to write such a detailed response and also for checking out my post, it means a lot.

      Reply
  • Mark

    Alex I think this is a fantastic write up… very real to many and equally others have their own experiences that work for them. You’re right no one prepares you for this kind of adventure but then again if you knew about the adventure… would you do it? …and then… where would the wisdom come from if you didn’t?
    Wisdom is gained by the truth you live and sharing it is loving the experience! Thank you for the share! Keep going!

    Reply

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